he pursuit of knowledge is a noble endeavor. Since his rise, Man has sought to know more about himself and the world. The discovery of fire, the advent of written history, the detection of the atom, and the cracking of the genetic code are a result of betterment through learning. We are all vessels for knowledge; every one of us. We start learning from the moment we are born, all the way through our years in school, and continue to do so until we leave this world.
But are we learning the important things? Sure, E=mc2, and of course a tree falling in the woods makes a noise even if no one is around to hear it — but what has knowing all this ever done for you? Thankfully, we have another avenue of learning that is teaching us relevant information every time we access it, and that avenue is video games. Since time immemorial (or roughly the late 70s), video games have been teaching us important lessons in physics, sociology, medicine, math, and more. Let us reflect on the lessons we have learned from some of our electronic tutors.
Platforming
The platforming genre has produced some of the classics. Super Mario Brothers, Sonic the Hedgehog, Ratchet & Clank, and Jax & Daxter are all examples of fine platforming titles. As we all know, platforming games generally task you with getting from Point A to Point B while throwing various geographical obstacles at you. What have they taught us?
Individuals, whether anthropomorphic or not, are physically able to briefly pause in mid-air after an initial jump and proceed to jump again. Platforms are generally made of anything from wood to rock, and even steel. All of these materials have the latent capacity to suspend themselves in midair. However, the precise weight addition of an individual (whether large or small) is just enough to end the holiday from physics and impose gravity. Life is an extravagance, feel free to waste it — chances are you have five more. Currency, or that which passes for it, is often found lying on the ground. Apparently only you can see it.
Fighting
Fighting games show us that the human body is capable of feats about which a "doctor" might tell you otherwise. Let's be honest. Who are you going to listen to — Ryu or your family physician? That's what I thought. So what have we learned?
If female, less clothes mean a higher armor value. The human frame can withstand blow after blow to the head and vital areas, however, a simple leg sweep can easily render someone unconscious. You can't run from a fight. There is an imaginary box that generates around you and your opponent until one of you is knocked out. Weight distribution doesn't exist. If you are slight of frame, fear not, as you can throw your 400-pound opponent across the ring like a NERF ball.
Racing
Games involving the operation of cars at recklessly high speeds (nod to Burnout) have long been enjoyed by those without the means to do so. However, should players ever have the chance to try, here is what they should know.
Cars, when flipped upside down, have the innate ability to right themselves and continue on their way as if nothing every happened. Contrary to popular opinion, turtle shells can destroy large moving vehicles. If you find yourself being prone to wrecking your car, simply turn off "damage." The shocks and struts on your car can withstand a fall from hundreds of feet from the ground with no adverse affects whatsoever to automobile or driver.
Roleplaying Games
Ah, RPGs — perhaps the single most educational genre of them all. What can't a RPG teach us? Whether it's from Link or Cloud, or your personal avatars in Oblivion or World of Warcraft, RPGs do so much to prepare us for the great, big world out there.
If you find meat (of any variety) laying around in the forest or on the street — feel free to eat it. Not only can it be eaten uncooked, but it will also improve your overall vitality. Zombies and skeletons carry gold. It's as simple as that. If you try to pick up a sword without paying someone gold in order to learn how to use it, it will simply render itself useless in your hands. Regardless of what the authorities say, trespassing is not a crime. Go into anybody's home you want, and while you're there, take their belongings, too — they won't mind. Backpacks are like black holes. We really don't understand them or how they function. They have the ability to expand in size to accommodate multiple sets of armor, weapons, potions, relics, and various other items all without encumbering the wearer. If you drink red liquid, you'll feel better. Slow Fall only lasts ten seconds. Think about that one for a bit. People are lazy, and will pay you exorbitant amounts of money to perform the most mindless of tasks for them.
So, there you have it: valuable life lessons all learned from the most reliable of sources, video games. A degree in chemistry or political science is nice and all, but what will you do with them the next time you are attacked by aliens? And how will your PhD in physics help you the next time you're crawling through a dungeon? They won't, I'm sorry to say. All that is worth knowing comes from video games. The next time you are studying for some "test" in "school," do yourself a favor and whip out your DS — you'll thank me later.
(Editor's Note: Zach Hines holds honorary expulsions from Harvard University; Boston College; UC Irvine; and the Carpentry program at Everest Institute in Houston Bissonnet, Texas. His course on contemporary pedagogy, "Coins and Mushrooms: Ask Professor Mario," is taught at the corner of James and Broadway; Seattle, WA.)
